identity crisis.

me: chemotherapy is for people who are sick.


me: physical therapy is for people who are broken.


tim: you ARE sick and broken.



I'm sure you know about the chemo for the next year since there is an "unspecified malignant neoplasm"-basically a small group of cells that want to multiply quickly and, if do they do, this tumor will infiltrate and increase in aggression. Even though it's technically a benign tumor, they are treating it aggressively because of this. It already recurred at a higher grade. This tumor instinctively does this. Do I have to convince you of what happens if this one recurs at a higher grade?


But the physical therapy? That one through me for a loop. During radiation, I had to take a steroid to prevent brain swelling. This steroid has become (almost) the worst part of recovery. Just taper off of it, right? WRONG. If it was that easy, I would have been out of this nightmare 2 months ago.


1. This type of steroid weakens the legs and I have my first appointment tomorrow morning for physical therapy. The words "paraparesis" and "myopathy" were thrown around on the script. I fell a few days ago-my legs just gave out and I often have someone walk with me or I hold onto anything near me. Falling onto a wooden floor will have that effect on a person. I know it will be okay-but-it's mid-July. I'm a teacher. I don't HAVE time to waste on this nonsense.


2. VERTIGO. There's speculation that the radiation itself may have triggered some sort of inner ear infection. It's impossible to describe how debilitating it is-it's more than just spinning or being dizzy (not that those are fun either). It's closing your eyes and not being able to escape what is happening to the world or your body and then feeling extreme nausea. This happened to me every single day since the end of June-for hours at a time. Luckily, as of this week it has "only" happened for a few minutes instead of hours (thank you, prayer and a stronger med). I'm going for a 2 hour test to determine the problem. I wish the test was today. I can't handle 15 more days of this.

This is no way to live.