Thursday, December 30, 2010

lighter post: thumb war!

Apparently Megan Fox has a "clubbed thumb":

Ready for this? I do too!! I thought (and was told) that my right thumb was oddly shaped because I sucked it when I was little. Nope. I have a clubbed thumb. I have a clubbed thumb.

Apparently this was quite a big deal in Indian palmistry:

The murderer's thumb
"The clubbed thumb was traditionally called the 'murderer's thumb', denoting the powerful temper of those who carried it. In most cases this person knows on a deep level what he or she is capable of doing when out of temper. If a crime such as murder is committed, it is likely to be an unplanned affair after the person has 'snapped'."

Until the "conspiracy" came out about Megan Fox using a hand double, I had no idea that the shape of my thumb had a name (I just thought it was kind of weird)! Oh it has served me well with its opposableness all these years.

I just never knew I had such power.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

"No news is good news"?

I hope you enjoyed that brief jovial post; now we're back to the grind. I'll keep it short and sweet. Or something like that.

I am scheduled for the following tests:

Brain MRI-to see if there are any new legions/increase in scar tissue

PET scan-to see how the tissues in my brain are actually functioning

Neuropsychological examination-to test whether there have been any post-crainiotomy deficits in my cognitive abilities such as short-term memory, language, reasoning, spatial awareness, attention etc.

Long-term EEG monitoring-to record any epileptic spikes

From now until I get the results of all the testing (February), I have been advised to take a leave of absence from work (that will likely be a separate blog post!!).

*Disclaimer-the following outline involved a ridiculous amount of html coding and does not necessarily reflect the correct formatting/spacing of an outline.

I. Options the dr. discussed with us

A. continued medication

1. ineffective

2. side effects

3. lifetime use

B. Epilepsy surgery

1. Intracranial EEG to map out seizure focus

a. skull open for 3-7 days

b. mortality/morbidity rate 2-4%

2. Temporal lobe removal

a. risks if "successful"

i. cognitive deficits

ii. difficulty finding and remembering words

iii. personality changes

b. risks if "unsuccessful"

i. continued uncontrolled seizures

ii.that thing we don't want to happen

c. risks either way

i. invasive


iii. missing work

I am scared to death.

I've tried to be strong for so long. But I just can't.

I was playing a lullaby I wrote for my friend's baby. It hit me. If they can't find a different answer, what if that is one of the things I won't be able to do anymore? What if I won't be able to teach? What if I cannot respond to people?

I pray they find a different answer.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

On a lighter note...

In lieu of the ridiculously uncomfortable posts of yore, here are a few things you may or may not find moderately amusing. No need to get your emotional game face on.

I once paid a one-legged street minstrel a dollar to play “something patriotic”. Instead, he played the worst rendition ever of amazing grace I had ever heard.

I once bribed a tow truck driver $25 to not tow my car (it was parked in a Walgreens for an hour while we were at the Allentown Art Festival).

I often counted the number of letters in a word/sentence to see if it was divisible by 5 (go ahead and count the number of letters in that last sentence; we both know you want to. This one does also).

Skor bars versus Health bars: the taste-test of 2009. Verdict: Skor.

Student: When I first met you, I thought you'd be crazy since you had crazy curly hair!

My brother's fiancee was my table partner in Kindergarten. We were separated because we kept talking and playing with each other’s hair.

I am the only person I know who hates peanut butter (with the exception of pbj sandwiches, which can be consumed sparingly to solicit childhood memories).

I never put a paper towel around whatever I’m putting in the microwave, regardless of what the directions demand.

I’ve been internationally detained.

I recently purchased coats from Hong Kong. The amount I will pay in dry cleaning to remove the strange scent is almost as much as the cost of the coats themselves.

I love mod podge.

I love that you are reading this blog post.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

oscar buzz.

You know that John Mayer song that says to "say what you need to say"? Subconsciously, I try to unsay what others have said. try to unbecome what others have become. it is exhausting.

Undoing #1: The martyrs and excessively dramatic people in my life

I was hesitant to post these past couple of entries for fear I too would sound dramatic. Yeah, I had BRAIN SURGERY, but I feared I was being too dramatic. I have at least 10 seizures every night and go into work the next day and give 100%, but I don't want to be dramatic. I don't want it to seem that I am using my illness to get attention.

Thank goodness for a friend at work who took it upon herself to organize a driving schedule for me. I was embarrassed to ask people to drive me home from work because I didn't want to inconvenience them. (This hole in my head that is filling up with cerebrospinal fluid is not exactly a 7-eleven). I am not supposed to be driving because I could danger myself or other drivers if I seize while on the road, but I didn't want to ask for something people were more than happy to do.

Undoing #2: The narcissistic and attention-seeking people in my life

Barring my professional and academic aspirations, I have not sought out opportunities to promote myself. I sing and would love to share what I have with the world, but do not want to have to convince people to want me. I am willing, but will have to be asked. I will never insist. I know many who have recorded and are involved in various musical projects. I would collaborate in a heartbeat.

I do not doubt my abilities; it's just that there is no forum to showcase them. I dislike when people are constantly doing things for recognition. But who doesn't want recognition? Who doesn't want appreciation? Who doesn't like attention?

I did not have a recital or a gallery where I could invite people and receive flowers and applause (side note: doesn't that look like "applesauce"?). There will be no stage lights when I modify my program (beyond what is required by NYS) so that my student with Autism can be successful. I cannot invite you to a performance of my classroom so you can see what I pour into my life's work. I feel strange even mentioning these things for fear of how I might sound.

I am not self-centered, nor am I self-loathing. I am not egotistical, nor am I unsure of what I have to offer. I find the need to explain myself for fear that I will be perceived as being on either side of this spectrum.

I feel strange even writing this entry. I'm not sure what you'll make of it.

I have always been the supporting actress. I understand that this is a noble and important role. In moderation.
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