clocks.

I look to my right and there they are: my chemotherapy pills aka the poison that will keep me nauseated, fatigued, depleted, and....alive.


Last night was my first dose for this chemo week and today was rough. REALLY rough. like-i -can't-lift-my-head-off-my-pillow-until-noon rough. and when i thought i FINALLY could, there it came. like clockwork. my daily dizzy episode. same time every single day. it lasts for an hour and then kind of goes away. i have to keep my eyes closed because the room is moving down and my eyes are moving up. this is debilitating WITHOUT chemo and all the more so with it.

(these episodes have been happening for the last two months and i have taken a number of tests to determine the cause. please be an easy fix. please be an easy fix. please be fixABLE. please.)


once that is over i have to somehow manage to make it downstairs. i SHOULD have something to eat. i KNOW i should. but the thought of food makes me sick so i suck on a cough drop just to get some calories in. as the day goes on and i get further away from last night's chemo, i can stomach 2 pieces of toast...actually 3! Go me!


usually i am generally functional the first day of chemo week and then get progressively worse as the week goes on as the chemo builds up. then it even trickles into next week. some days drinking water is painful-I can feel the drops as they make their way through my esophagus.


fifteen minutes until i take them. they taste like burnt plastic and disgusting fear. that familiar taste that warns my body that it will be put through the ringer this week. beaten up.


3 more of these cycles left and then i will have completed a year of chemotherapy. a YEAR of chemotherapy. actually you can say i will have completed more than that because before i started this "year" i did chemo every day for 6 1/2 weeks while I did radiation. So really-I did almost 14 months of chemotherapy. they'll do testing after that to determine future treatments.


I hope they don't order any more chemo after that. i REALLY hope this will be it. that May will be the end. but if they do i will take it. i will fight for my life. i will do what i need to do. i will keep that clock going. even if it means more of THIS.

thanksgiving sans the turkey.

Philippians 4:6 says "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God" (NKJV)


My heart is always overwhelmed-I am constantly filled with fear. How can I be thankful? What is there to be thankful FOR? It gets easier and easier to be discouraged as time goes by. It took me a little bit of time to think of how I could give thanks for the circumstances life has dealt me. But I could. there is ALWAYS something.

I am thankful that I am ABLE to get treatment. I am ABLE to get chemotherapy.
Even though I had radiation-I am thankful that there is a renown cancer center 15 minutes away from me. I didn't have to travel hours each day to get there (as others I met had).
I go to physical therapy and I was able to rebuild my muscles that were lost with that steroid. I am able to walk. to run even. I worked with wonderful people who I still look forward to seeing. I had brain surgery twice-but I am thankful that it was with a highly respected surgeon-the best in our area. I was in the very best hands possible.


I take medicine twice a day. I am in a country that can provide that. that has enough medical research to make that.


There are awful things that happen every day. I stopped typing this post because I had to gag into a plastic bag. But I could use my arms to reach over and hold the bag. I can use my arms. I could see the bag because I can use my eyes.


I will be grateful for everything that gets better as it does. Often it feels like 2 steps forward, 1 step back, and 10 steps sideways. I get frustrated and will continue to get frustrated when it does.


but, even if it is only for today, I can try to be thankful.


I am off to an appointment. I can make it there because we own a car. because I have an amazing husband who has been by my side this whole time-unwavering. because there are people who can drive me. there are professionals who have studied medicine so they can try to fix me.


I have to have faith that this will get better soon. I have to keep trying. it is so hard-but I have to keep trying. and when i feel like i can't i know that there are people who will help me. I know some wonderful, wonderful people. and for that, i am thankful.