brush strokes.

in some ways, i want to be like my hair.

it is resilient: it was shaved off completely-twice-and still grew back. it was cut into but still grew back. thick. and even protected the wound it surrounded.

it is strong: some follicles were destroyed at their very root during treatment but rebuilt themselves and returned, anew.

it is rebellious: when it grew back it parted on the other side. it does what it wants every day and doesn't care how ridiculous it looks.

but there is another side (swept bang) to it:

many hairs fall out daily, but not in an organized clump. there is no obvious "proof" of my experience, treatment or loss. to the onlooker i am whole. to the onlooker there is an entire head of hair that has existed for 26 years without radical interruption.

no, they do not fall out at once. individual strands cling to my clothes and my pillow and my towels and everything they can cling to as if to mock my hope that this could soon be over. daily i am reminded that there are parts of me that are not strong enough to hold on. the strong. thick hairs cover these tiny empty spots so they go unnoticed. progress masks deficits. no one would know if i didn't tell them. but i know. i am the one who sees it. i am the one who lives it.

the truth is-no matter how sturdy the rest of them seem, there are always some that fall.

repurposing.

I have had a large bag of shaved-off hair that I've been afraid to tackle. Until this morning.

After calling and looking up requirements for donating, I learned why the task had been so daunting: the hair had to be at least 10" long (NO problem!) and needed to be in a neat braid or ponytail (problem!). Thing is-when you're getting your head shaved in preparation for brain surgery, you forget to ask the nurse to put it in ponytails to cut off prior to shaving it. :)

So today's task was to untangle the big knot of hair and create ponytails, which, after much detangling, strand-by-strand straightening and even cutting to make it look neater, left me with 3 ponytails ready to donate to Locks of Love.

But there was over three times that amount leftover that I couldn't untangle, rendering it unusable by charities such as Locks of Love. There MUST be SOME other good this could be used for. This is exactly why Google was created!

After some searching, I found a non-profit environmental organization called Matter of Trust that has been making "hair booms" and "hair mats" to soak up emergency spills, such as the one in the Gulf of Mexico. They take any hair, fur, fleece, and feathers to make these booms and have made over 25 miles worth of booms in one month! Volunteers sort out the donations, make the booms, and are deployed to where they are most needed, which, right now, is the Gulf.

My hair will grow back and, in fact, I am enjoying the regrowth process because every centimeter shows how far I have come and I will not be ashamed of that or boo-hoo about how much it lacks.

I had been avoiding dealing with the shaved-off hair because I thought that the process would be cumbersome/painful. It was strange, yes, but I feel as if I will be investing a part of my former self into something much, much greater.