Sunday, November 21, 2010

truth: spiraling.

Things are completely out of control.

Even since my former post, seizures have worsened and we are unable to get the right help we need. Apparently after you have one seizure, the medical community is no longer concerned and your case is no longer considered urgent. Or they condescendingly inquire about any stress in your life. Yes, doctor-THIS.

I think, but I am unable to move, to speak, to react. A familiar heaviness covers the pathways from my brain to my heart, my limbs, my eyes, and my mouth. I am completely disconnected from my own body.

Lately, there's been no clear beginning or ending...just an ongoing sequence of unresponsiveness, stillness and unconsciousness, followed by confusion, followed by more unresponsiveness. Mix in a couple of convulsions and we have Saturday night at the Lipps'.

I spend so much of my effort attempting to stave them off by trying to keep my mind "distracted"-but I am always overcome eventually. It turns out that mentally reviewing multiplication facts, the first 26 digits of pi, or my favorite words in alphabetic order are futile opponents against this relentless force. (Oo-"relentless"-maybe that will be my new "r" word.)

What's that expression about losing the battle, but not the war? This is a civil war (me against my body) and either way, I lose.


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