Sunday, December 5, 2010

oscar buzz.

You know that John Mayer song that says to "say what you need to say"? Subconsciously, I try to unsay what others have said. try to unbecome what others have become. it is exhausting.

Undoing #1: The martyrs and excessively dramatic people in my life

I was hesitant to post these past couple of entries for fear I too would sound dramatic. Yeah, I had BRAIN SURGERY, but I feared I was being too dramatic. I have at least 10 seizures every night and go into work the next day and give 100%, but I don't want to be dramatic. I don't want it to seem that I am using my illness to get attention.

Thank goodness for a friend at work who took it upon herself to organize a driving schedule for me. I was embarrassed to ask people to drive me home from work because I didn't want to inconvenience them. (This hole in my head that is filling up with cerebrospinal fluid is not exactly a 7-eleven). I am not supposed to be driving because I could danger myself or other drivers if I seize while on the road, but I didn't want to ask for something people were more than happy to do.

Undoing #2: The narcissistic and attention-seeking people in my life

Barring my professional and academic aspirations, I have not sought out opportunities to promote myself. I sing and would love to share what I have with the world, but do not want to have to convince people to want me. I am willing, but will have to be asked. I will never insist. I know many who have recorded and are involved in various musical projects. I would collaborate in a heartbeat.

I do not doubt my abilities; it's just that there is no forum to showcase them. I dislike when people are constantly doing things for recognition. But who doesn't want recognition? Who doesn't want appreciation? Who doesn't like attention?

I did not have a recital or a gallery where I could invite people and receive flowers and applause (side note: doesn't that look like "applesauce"?). There will be no stage lights when I modify my program (beyond what is required by NYS) so that my student with Autism can be successful. I cannot invite you to a performance of my classroom so you can see what I pour into my life's work. I feel strange even mentioning these things for fear of how I might sound.

I am not self-centered, nor am I self-loathing. I am not egotistical, nor am I unsure of what I have to offer. I find the need to explain myself for fear that I will be perceived as being on either side of this spectrum.

I feel strange even writing this entry. I'm not sure what you'll make of it.

I have always been the supporting actress. I understand that this is a noble and important role. In moderation.

1 comment:

  1. Cherisse,
    Never be afraid to share the gifts you have been given. There is nothing wrong with self-promotion unless it is done at the expense of another, something I truly believe you are incapable of. Let people know of your successes with your students, others may be able to benefit from the experience and use your ideas for their own students. This is a pay it forward situation, you don't need polite applesauce from an insincere audience to know your worth. The sparkle from your student's eyes when they are excited with new understanding because of your lesson is the highest reward! Love you!


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