Sunday, October 30, 2011

control. alt.

delete. if only it was that easy to restart.

"Your body is a computer-you have to let it reboot-especially with all of the radiation." i'm so sick of hearing that. apparently there are many programs that still need to close. when i close one ("seizures" or "muscle atrophy" or "vertigo"), then another one opens. they keep popping up-new symptomes, new issues, new worries. a great deal of "harmful threats" to my system have not been blocked.

lately i have been having "visual disturbances"-my eyes will fade in and out and things start to move around a bit (kind of a milder version of the extreme vertigo I was having). some episodes are shorter than others. so it was time for an eye doctor appointment. i was looking forward to this one because i thought it would be an easy fix. they just do some eye tests and there's my answer, right?

nope. in the eye doctor's words, "There is nothing I can do to make all of these symptoms go away." he said that my eyes will adjust with time as they heal.

with time. with time. with time. it's always the same thing. i hate that stupid hourglass.

at night i'm happy that another day has gone by because that means i am closer to the "in time" everyone's talking about. but am i?

this weekend there's been a clicking in the back of my head and a tingling sensation on the right side of my skull. i'll have to call a doctor (maybe i'll put all of their names in a hat and pick a one) and let them know. but it probably will just get better with time. in this case, that would actually be a relief if it's something that will resolve itself and it's not something worse.

then there's this pressure under what feels like my entire face. when i blink my eyes i feel a pull on the top of my head. forget about raising my eyebrows-that has been a lost cause. but that will get better in time, right? and my headaches will disappear?

i always hope there's an easier explanation to new things that arise than there actually is. often there is no explanation. that makes it so much worse.

when will everything align? when will "time" come?

I eagerly await the day my arrow can finally click "ok".

1 comment:

  1. Wow. I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It's not fair! I hate that these things can happen to people. I know you wish you weren't forced to be, but for what it's worth you are truly an inspiration and a remarkable woman.


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