"No news is good news"?

I hope you enjoyed that brief jovial post; now we're back to the grind. I'll keep it short and sweet. Or something like that.

I am scheduled for the following tests:

Brain MRI-to see if there are any new legions/increase in scar tissue

PET scan-to see how the tissues in my brain are actually functioning

Neuropsychological examination-to test whether there have been any post-crainiotomy deficits in my cognitive abilities such as short-term memory, language, reasoning, spatial awareness, attention etc.

Long-term EEG monitoring-to record any epileptic spikes

From now until I get the results of all the testing (February), I have been advised to take a leave of absence from work (that will likely be a separate blog post!!).

*Disclaimer-the following outline involved a ridiculous amount of html coding and does not necessarily reflect the correct formatting/spacing of an outline.

I. Options the dr. discussed with us

A. continued medication

1. ineffective

2. side effects

3. lifetime use

B. Epilepsy surgery

1. Intracranial EEG to map out seizure focus

a. skull open for 3-7 days

b. mortality/morbidity rate 2-4%

2. Temporal lobe removal

a. risks if "successful"

i. cognitive deficits

ii. difficulty finding and remembering words

iii. personality changes

b. risks if "unsuccessful"

i. continued uncontrolled seizures

ii.that thing we don't want to happen

c. risks either way

i. invasive

ii.recovery

iii. missing work

I am scared to death.

I've tried to be strong for so long. But I just can't.

I was playing a lullaby I wrote for my friend's baby. It hit me. If they can't find a different answer, what if that is one of the things I won't be able to do anymore? What if I won't be able to teach? What if I cannot respond to people?

I pray they find a different answer.