Tuesday, April 2, 2013

old things.

Sometimes I miss my old life.

I recently came across a picture from from Tim's cousin's wedding (2009) and I almost can't believe it's me. The same feeling hits me whenever I see a picture from "before." I look happier, stronger, prettier, more energetic, more fun, much more hopeful....

....and I'm brought back to the reality that I can and will never be the same.

I'm trying to embrace the "starting over" aspect of this stage in my life, but it would be so much easier if I didn't have to.

Maybe I just had more "proof" then. As I take these dangerous strolls down memory lane, there are hundreds of photos from better times. There are dozens of songs and scents that instantly take me back to moments from THEN; when they are encountered, they excite and sadden me simultaneously.

But what about the NOW? Now that I'm "better," I am left with fewer people that I can count on.

As my hair grows out, I am becoming more disconnected. While I realize that many changes needed to be made, it's difficult to adjust to everything at once. Why does the NEW normal have to be so lonely?

My energy levels are not consistent. Sometimes I just want someone to come and sit with me-but I go through my address book on my phone and I have no idea who to call. So I don't. I write a blog post instead.

I just want to be happy or comfortable. I know that it's too much to wish for both-or either.

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